It is really freakin’ cold. I’m curled up in my humungous comfy sweater, listening to the wind beating against my storm door and I’m like…”You couldn’t pay me to go out there.” So I’m going to pop something in the slow cooker and get out my drawing supplies. Maybe I can draw a little sunshine.
I’ve found myself thinking of addiction quite a lot recently. I’ve taken to drinking a beer or 2 before I fall asleep in the mornings. You might say this is nothing to be worried about and hell, maybe it’s not but I come from a very long line of alcoholics and suffer from an addictive personality. I am obsessive compulsive, an insomniac and am prone to depression. The insomnia triggers the depression and that fuels the obsessive habits.
I’ve loved many an alcoholic. My Mother and Grandmother kill a bottle of wine a day, my Grandfather likes scotch on the rocks, 2 of my Uncles love jack and my husband…well, he liked tequila more then he ever liked me. Probably not, but that’s what it felt like. I’ve never understood, even coming from a family of them, why they couldn’t just stop.
So, I guess I’ll just keep checking myself because for now that beer is giving me a nice floaty feeling and I’m starting to get drowsy. If I have another, I’ll get downright sleepy and I’ll sleep at least four hours in a row. Something I haven’t done in ten years until recently.
For now, I think I’m okay. I only have a beer occasionally when I’m off work and only have at the most 2 on the days I have to be at work that night and have to sleep to get through. When or if it becomes more then that…let’s hope I can just stop.
Now I’m not one to wish my life away. Even today in all it’s craptastic glory had some darkly humorous or stupidly hilarious moments. But, I’m sitting here eating chili at 1:40 am on my meal break from work and I’m thinking “I’ve got a crew that can at times accomplish miracles from absolutely nothing and tonight they are fucking standing still.”
Then I read over what I just thought and wrote and I KNOW that it’s my attitude that’s effecting their performance. I’m not my usual “appreciate them when they’re fabulous and encourage them when they’re not” self so they’re all walking around on eggshells waiting for me to blow, thinking they’ll never get done because I THINK they’ll never get done.
So I’m going to take a few more minutes to wallow in the suck that is today then smack a smile on my face and go play the bugle of “you are awesome” and pray they’ve got my back.